Quiet as a mouse!

Christmas Eve is still surprisingly the same for me, even as a grown up-kid. I'm anxious for tomorrow so there's absolutely no way I can sleep. Part of it may be that this mattress is as hard as a rock, but I'm pretty excited. I can't possibly think of any other material things that I need so I know all of those gifts under the tree will all surprise me. Tonight I opened a few-black BCBG dress, Steve Madden kitten heels, a small framed poster and a mug. I hadn't a clue!

Tonight dance has really been on my mind. I wanna go somewhere over this summer and make decent use of my time off from school. The following summer I know I will have other obligations. My problems are finances and actually making up my mind about where I would go. Bates Dance Festival in Maine sounds amazing, but can I afford it?

In the meantime, I feel like I'm really progressing as a saleswoman. I made some great sales today. Maybe it was just luck, but I have to be doing something right, right?

Merry Christmas Eve

All I can think about during this time of year is the Nutcracker. In that period of my life (Pre-professional ballet training) recitals and other performances made me feel accomplished. So much work was put into a show and I loved getting dolled up in tutus and pink tights. It topped of my holiday season.

Ironically now that I am studying dance in college Christmastime include no dancing at all. I'm rather lost at home without the bare minimum-daily technique classes. I would even go as far as to say I'm anxious to return to school!

Anyway, I wish all of you readers (or lack thereof) a wonderful holiday! Be merry and bright, even if it doesn't include dancing!

Nose-nippin'

There's one week until Christmas! And nobody's stirring in this house! It is rather cold though. I've spent a lot of my winter break under a blanket sipping on coffee-that is when I'm not out with Mom shopping. (which we tend to do quite a bit... but no worries! deals only!) I've been home about one week now.

So much has happened over the past month though worth mentioning!

1. There never was a second interview at the retail store. I was called back and hired one week later! Thanksgiving weekend I worked around twenty hours. It was so exciting. (only slightly nerve-wracking) Working as a sales associate on a commission is quite a learning experience. Not only is it a great position to put down on a resume, but I'm opening up a lot. Initially I had no idea why I was hired to sell designer clothing because of my reserved personality. Now I'm comfortable with chatting with customers and suggesting retail items. I can't wait to get my first paycheck!
2. My grades this fall quarter were much better than expected. A's in all classes except Notation and Intro to World Cinema, which I received A-'s in. What a pity.
3. I'm living in a house next year with two friends. It's cute with wood flooring, nice appliances, laundry machines, a sizable basement for storage, and my own room. The location is convenient too. I can't wait to move in, although that won't be until at least late August.
4. I have bangs now! Thick, blunt bangs! Usually I find hair to be a petty thing to discuss however the dramatic change had me a bit shook up. I hate leaving the salon unsure about what's going on up top my head. It's grown on me though, despite a slight resemblance of Cleopatra.

Right now Phil is in South Carolina. He's heading down to Florida to visit his family. It doesn't feel right without him here with me. I'm anxious for Christmas to pass so I can return to Columbus with him.

For now I'm looking forward to a white Christmas! It might actually happen this year. :]

Futon-ridden

I've caught a bit of a bug. It's pretty inconvenient since it is Beat Michigan week and all, and tomorrow is the Mirror Lake jump. I guess I won't be participating. Saturday morning I'm heading back to Cincinnati for part deux of my interview. I'm crossing my fingers that it goes well! It would be wonderful if I could give my closest family and friends gifts. (Frankly I can't afford to right now) Every one is so generous to me. I hope I can reciprocate!

Lately I've been choreographing, thinking some, and grounding myself. My composition class isn't that awful anymore. (I'm getting positive responses) My confidence is growing. For the past couple of weeks I've been uncertain about my "dance identity"-my style, my intentions, and how it influences my life. This afternoon solidified a few things for me in regards to this.

We improvised to a couple selected songs. The score revolved around our previous choreography. Afterward Vicki and Eran pulled me aside. They told me my movement was eccentric, quirky, and dark (among other things). I'm comfortable with this, although not very surprised. I think I just needed to hear it from somebody else.

It's difficult when you grew up devoting a quarter of your life to "The Nutcracker" and slaving away your weekends in satin pointe shoes. I often feel compelled to incorporate my strong ballet background into my choreography and improvisation techniques. It's hard to fight it. I get better reactions when I try to embrace the department's heavy post-modern influence. So that's what I do.

I agree with their realist point of view. Always I've asserted that I am a human being before a dancer. Ballet clashed with this. So, slowly I'm becoming closer to matching who I am with how I move on my own behalf. It's satisfying.

Paganini's Caprice No. 24 on violin.

The weeks rush by so quickly.

I'm excited for Thanksgiving-I hope I get to see my extended family. I'm excited for Christmas-last time I went home I didn't want to leave. Never before has going home been a peaceful experience.

What a delightful Friday.

Goals and Dreams

For our sophomore advising colloquium, I'm supposed to come up with answers to this set of questions:

How do you perceive of your relationship to dance?
Do you feel like a maker? an athlete? an artist?
How if at all has this identity shifted since coming to OSU?
What are you excited about studying?
Where do you dream of being in 5 years from now?
What are some of the obstacles you feel are standing in your way?


Okay, so... Here's my attempt to answer this. (This probably will turn into some sort of rant)

My relationship to dance varies. I like to move. I like the feeling of propelling through space. I like turns and leaps, which reflects that. Sometimes I'm discouraged. Postmodern dance both frustrates and inspires me. Same for ballet. I haven't found my niche yet.

If I had to choose between maker, athlete, and/or artist, I would without any doubt choose artist. I've never considered myself a maker. I generate material through improvisation. Choreography doesn't come so well. Dance is athletic, I guess. I go to the gym for that sort of thing though. I don't like to categorize myself as an athlete.

If anything, I am a human. That stands first.

I have always been a human, and always have been. My identity hasn't shifted too significantly since I came to university. I discovered improvisation. I'm excited about studying video dance. And exploring new things in general.

In five years I'll be 24. Right now, I hope that I'll be making plans to settle down, or already be at that point. At 24, I want stability. It's tricky though. I mean, I can see myself married and teaching dance on top of another part time job. Ideally I'll be involved within some performing arts venue or art gallery. I want to promote art to the public, and make it more accessible. At the same time I would love to perform if I had the opportunity. I'm not sure if that's something I want to strongly pursue though.

I don't believe much will stop me from teaching dance. As far as gallery work/art-dance promotion goes, I think I just need more experience. Maybe an internship. Performing professionally though... being human might stop me. I want a family one day. I want a house. And a dog. And a guy who ISN'T a dancer. I'm not sure how I would juggle those lifestyles.

I don't feel that ambitious. Maybe one day on a whim I'll head out to some auditions. I'm not going to make that my lifestyle though.

Dance on Film

I'm currently enrolled in a history of art course-"Introduction to World Cinema". So far these past few weeks we've gotten through primitive film, and begun to study silent films. Because HA260 is a survey course, the content covers narrative films only. (Although my professor claims we might touch on documentaries) This disappoints me, because I have a keen interest in avant garde film.

Visual art is so developed. It's been around for centuries. I love learning about the way we (all humanity) refined art over times. There are so many interesting patterns and quirks to it. These patterns apply to who we are and why we are that way. They say so much about our race. Art.

Dance hasn't been considered a fine art for very long. Neither has cinema. The two are fairly comparable really. Primitive cinema was a science. Technology beginning to develop. Early (European) performance dance included court dancing, and ballet. Standardized movement with little room for expression. Now, I'm not about to discredit early works of film or dance as worthless. I admit that I believe modern cinema and dance to be emotionally complex.

Tonight I went to a showing of various international dance works on film. Although theatrical in their creation, the shown pieces were performed on site. They were filmed on location. They were beautiful.

I watched them with a different perspective. The film itself was art. The dance itself was art. Together they were magnificent. But could they have gone further?

Tonight was probably my second time watching a dance film. I am an active member/student in the dance community. Is this genre of dance-related art underdeveloped? Why are these films considered avant garde?

Primitive film evolved into silent film because directors included elements of vaudville (popular entertainment at the time) on camera. Of course this was of the American taste. In France they began shooting at the opera. The audiences wanted to see something substantial. So they got that. They were presented stories from around the world (especially in the beginning-anything exotic was to be fancied). Cinematographers realized that their cameras had no reason to remain stationary, and neither their actors. The camera lense-our perspective- began to change.

We still generally watch dance on the stage. Occasionally you get site-specific work, but that's tricky and your intentions have to be different. The body moves in so many fascinating ways, so why must I watch it move from the mezzanine? Or the balcony? Row 52, seat 3? I want close ups. I want to see the undulation of the spine. Sweaty brows. Rising chests. Action-sped up and slowed down. I want depth.


I'm currently a dance major, history of art minor. I have a strong interest in dance on film. Tonight I was inspired.

Raining-not pouring

One lonely (rainy!) night-in for me. Phil's out at a party. (I usually spend the majority of my Friday evenings with him, lame as it sounds) I painted my toenails and watched "The Girls Nextdoor" on E. Of course it's trashy, but it did keep me occupied for a couple hours until I became distracted by the current temperature of my room. It's like a sauna in here! Both my windows are open too... at least it's calm tonight.

***

Tomorrow, I'm probably going to spend on homework. That includes conjuring up motifs and scores and reading a good chunk of my cinema textbook. I might also try to get through most of "Island Possessed", a memoir by Katherine Dunham. You could say I'm trying to pave a dance-scholarly path for myself.

Each class in the department attended an advising colloqium. Those alway freak me out. There are so many classes I want to take this winter! I've got

1. Modern technique
2. Ballet technique
3. Repertory w/ Esther again
4. Composition Topics (Another class with Esther!)
5. Notation II (this one's required)
6. Video Documentation
7. GEC-which I haven't decided on yet
8. Maybe West African class, or extra ballet technique, or modern with bebe, or...

Eight classes is a lot to keep track of. I'm taking six now. Eight classes would mean 21 credit hours? And even then... I was considering taking the other History of Art survey for my hypothetical minor... GAH.

That said, our "advisor" also brought up studying abroad among other things. My mind is so busy with decisions to make.

Too much has happened since the last time I've written.

First of all, I earned my driver's license only a few days before going back to school. I still haven't driven by myself, but that's bound to happen some time this weekend while visiting.

Classes are okay-better now that I dropped that awful Environmental History. Modern technique with Esther allows me to work on those funky handstands everybody seems to like. The West African tidbits are great too. She's a swell woman. Ballet's alright. More challenging. Melanie never ceases to make me chuckle in that class. She's so blunt! Love her any way. Notation's been a breeze so far. (Then again I haven't started any of the projects yet) Composition is SCARY and probably the most difficult "dance" course I've ever taken. The concept of weight studies happens to be so interesting. Coming up with material for Vicki Blaine to analyze gets me shakin' in my boots. Oh yes, and Intro to Cinema-a joke.

I was cast into Esther's piece for Dance Downtown. This is so exciting for me. The movement is thrashy with a lot of improvisation. (so far) Show's not until May though... It's really wonderful to have the opportunity to have so much time with Esther. I feel that within the department, there aren't many on the faculty who get a bigger picture of you and your dancing. I work with Esther five days a week. Again, swell.

So, I'm extremely busy again. I get little two hours breaks occasionally. Right now I'm looking for a job so I can either (a) take classes this summer or (b) travel to Africa to dance over the summer. Yeah, just the prospect of money... I'm broke and my pops keeps on giving me heck about it. I'm tryin'!

Edit to come-I'm falling asleep<3

i wanna say something.

On the road again...

I'm nineteen years old and without a drivers license. I've renewed my temporary driving permit two times in the past three years. My hatred of automobiles stems from the people who ride in them with me the most-my family. Tomorrow I have the opportunity to turn things around. I don't have the highest level of optimism about this though...

It's not even that I'm mad at my parents. If you know me, you know I'm not the kind of person to blame others for my problems. Every single time I get behind the wheel with them in the passenger side of the car I flip out. I had begun to take herbal supplements to prevent getting sick just thinking about driving. Now I've figured out the cause of my anxiety.

While I was camping Dad called the BMV. He scheduled me at Sharonville, at 9:00 AM. Thanks Dad, that's only the hardest place to pass at the worst possible time! Knowing this, he agreed to take me out driving around the test area for practice. However, the whole thing was a mess. I never even got to practice maneuverability (the hardest part) in the car I'm testing in. He still seems to think this will be no big deal.

It makes sense to me why I have been petrified of driving for so long. It's more like, I'm petrified of my parents.

I hate to say this, but I'm glad I'm going back to school in a few days. I need a long break from this lifestyle.

Intense, like camping

I got back this afternoon, and it certainly felt like home. Immediately I snatched the dog's leash and took him for a walk around the block. He was a rascal but I was so glad to see my pooch it didn't even matter to me.

A few things set in the past couple of days. For one, I love canoeing-I really had a blast rowing twenty miles with Phil. We had a great handle on it too. The whole time I wished it was only us two though. Everybody became a little overwhelming compared to the calm, serene environment we were in. Maybe we were just feelin' a bit more meditative though.

The camping portion was pleasant. Campfires + s'mores = love. Sleeping on gravel was killer though. Every one thought I was nuts for bringing along a pool raft as a mattress, but it was a great decision on my behalf!

Mohican State Park happened to be in the middle of many farms and small towns. Our campsite was about two miles away from two adjacent pizza joints. They were probably the only restaurants around. There was a Dollar General down the road too. That came in handy eventually...

On the way up I couldn't help but romanticize the tiny towns with so many old houses and landmarks. They reminded me of where I lived as a little kid. When we went on a beverage run though, I quickly disregarded any dreamy thoughts about that place. When we finally found a store, the only customers looked so trashy! I remembered the kinds of people who live in these towns. Sometimes they are humble, but other times they remain so secluded from the rest of the world. That doesn't always ring a bell with miss liberal-pants over here. I think if I lived in a place like Loudonville I would stir up some commotion.

After all the canoeing and camping business we all made it back to headquarters in Columbus. We were exhausted (Phil and I). Eventually we got up off our butts and decided to cook! The homemade (baked) eggrolls turned out delicious! The homemade sushi however did not turn out at all. I think we are too Caucasian to get the rice to stick together/cut the nori without the whole thing falling apart. Our end result looked something like a sushi burrito, which was quickly nom-ed anyway.

I really want to go on more about Kanye West, Barack Obama, gay ballroom dancers, the Fox television line up, and snickerdoodle cookies but I'm so tired from the past couple of day! Plus, I have a podcast to listen to.

One suitcase too many...

I'm about a week and a half away from school. A few days ago I kicked myself in the butt and decided to get packing. Despite telling myself (and every one else) that I would pack lightly this year, it's not turning out to be the case. Although the size of my wardrobe greatly decreased, I have so many large things including one large mirror, a bistro table and chairs, one of the ugliest futons you've ever seen, and an ottoman. And several totes. And $100 worth of groceries. I'm dreading move-in day because of this.

In between all of this I was supposed to finish packing (yes, more packing) for a short little camping trip. The grounds are supposed to be somewhere north of Columbus. I'm skeptical about it. Can I survive in the wilderness overnight?! (Probably, with the amount of gear that Phil's planning on bringing along) It will be the ultimate test to see if I can make it as a woman of the wilderness. At heart I think I am a city girl...

The majority of the time I figure we (J, R, Joe, Phil, and I... and whoever else happens to come with) will spend in canoes. I cannot canoe. I promise I'm excited though! The weather should be perfect-hopefully a tad cooler than it is here in Cincyland.

If anything I'll be snacking on fiery marshmallows and s'mores. Who can detest that?

On Broadway...

From Vaudeville to Broadway, it's all-American. I'm tired of people putting down this genre of performing arts. So you think musicals are cheesy? A couple decades ago I might agree with you, but this stuff is dying now.

I watched the pilot to Glee tonight. (Yeah, just got around to it) First off I have to give it to the pool of kids working on this show. SO talented-they all belong to be on prime time television.

It really had me thinking about what's popular to America today. There are so many artists who complain about their audience. Ballet and opera are slowly fading- too European? Classical music and Renaissance art? It's "high art". Refined, polish, and traditional. Exquisite even.

But would you consider the United States to be any of those? I don't. America is folksy, experimental, and practical. The USA is grounds to new types of thinking. It's a blend of different minds and originality.

Originally, Broadway shows would reflect the times and culture so well. Recreating a show meant good times paired with wonderful nostalgia. Today NYC has recreated to it's full capacity. Americans are bored with irrelevant entertainment.

I'm tired of Americans I know who turn their noses up at Broadway musicals. It's one thing if you really don't care for a style of music, but these people are just trying to make a statement to "look artsy". Then again, they try pretty gosh darn hard at covering up "American" branded across their foreheads.

I can't help being patriotic. It's how I was raised. I love picking out distinct "American" things that are significant in the world. The USA isn't all bad. I just wish we all would show some respect to the theatres that have been around since the beginning.

Bread Pudding with a Rum Glaze

I've never tried bread pudding before tonight. After going through a few cookbooks of my Mom's, I discovered a baking mix in the pantry. So, I tore up 1/3 a loaf of Italian bread, mixed up all my ingredients, and put that baby in the oven.

Then the pan overflowed.

Dinner (Mom made a stew with coconut rice) was quite delicious though, and it turns out the bread pudding was too. I'm afraid I don't have any pictures to document this creation of mine. It's actually better that way. This dessert is a sight for sore eyes.

***

Lately the importance of family has been on my mind. On a mile walk around the neighborhood with the dog, I allowed my mind to wander.

A woman passed me, towing her children around in a red wagon. There were two sweet little girls, waving to the pooch at my side. They were adorable, and so was their mother for even offering to pull them around the block in that thing. I couldn't help but smile.

I love children. I wouldn't be upset if my only connection to danceland was through teaching. Sometimes I even think I would be happier if I forgot about dancing and took up a degree in education. There's no way of telling though.

Months ago Phil asked me what I want to be when I grow up. I said " a wife and a mother". I still mean it today. My desire stems from elsewhere these days though.

There is a difference between enthusiasm for love and vulnerability. I grew up thinking I needed a man to make me happy. I grew up thinking marriage was the only thing I would ever be capable of. Now I'm beginning to seek out independence. This summer I have devoted myself toward learning life skills so that I will never need a man to help with trivial daily tasks. (Although time to time, I might ask for it)

Because of my circumstances, I love that I have figured this out. I am with Phil simply because I love him, not because I need somebody down the line to fall back onto. My current realizations put me at ease-now I can daydream without worry.


No worries, especially when you've got a belly full of bread pudding.

"Sexual feelings are good, they are a gift from God, and they are part of what causes our desire to get married. I'm all for being careful, but avoiding your urges like the plague I don't think is quite the right path. " -Xanga user, "Thenightcometh"

I don't think I want to elaborate. Some words are meant to sit for awhile.

Five for Now

I've spent most of this evening in front of the television, although not intentionally. Somehow I naturally gravitate toward in front of the screen when every one is off doing their own things. I can't really say what I was watching either-no idea. When Dad joined in we were tuned into "Ghost Hunters". He turned into a "ghost hunter" himself as he rewound the tv footage over and over looking for apparitions [he claimed he didn't believe]. I love my dad and how weird he is.

My nightly ritual consists of surfing the internet and blogging here and there. I stumbled upon a great one "life coach" that mentions ten important lists to write before you die. Now I don't plan on dying anything time soon, but I figure it might be a fun exercise and an interesting read. So here I go...

10 people who most helped me in my life.

1. My mother- She taught me my manners, the definition of a "clean home", and the importance of family. My mother is a nut and has definitely influenced my personality in the goofiest of ways. I think of my mother and remember to not take things so seriously always. Most of all, Mom's always been there to listen, at the worst and the best of times.
   
2. My father-I grew up quoting my dad to the other kids at school. They'd asked, "What, is your dad a scientist or something?" and I would say, "Nope, he's in the air force!" My dad has taught me patriotism. He's taught me logic. He's taught me curiosity.
   
3. My brother- Ross can be the biggest pain in my butt, but through his ways I have learned patience. Tough love was a concept I never understood until the past few years. He's a brute and I love him.
   
4. Phil- There's so much I want to say about Phil that I cannot put into words. My spirituality has blossomed because of his inspiring insight. I have learned to love myself for who I am. I know kind love now. He's my soultwin. We're silly together and we don't care who's watching.
   
5. Daniel-You can't change people, no matter how much you love them.
   
6. John- I will never be as stubborn as he has been to me. Friendship is something to be deeply valued.
   
7. Dr. Laverty-She always had the best intentions. No one has seen me evolve as an artist the way she has. I wish I could talk to her again.
   
8. My Grandpa Michard- I never spoke much to this man. He was a journalist. He told me as a child to write down everything I remember, or else I'll forget. To this day, I'm very forgetful, but I'm nostalgic. And I journal so often.
   
9. Frau Stamp- I was probably the worst AP DEUTSCH student to ever enter L. E., but Frau had such a soft spot for me. When I had nobody she kept an eye out for me. At the end of my senior year she attended that silly dance recital. It really meant so much to have some one so kind in my life when they had no obligation to be.
   
10. Mr. White- This guy is the source of all my creativity.
    

10 most memorable places i've visited

1. Notre Dame- It's one of the few memories of Europe I have.
   
2. The community pumpkin patch in Hatton, ND- We went every october with the whole family. The last year we lived there we picked 121 pumpkins.
   
3. The tiny courtyard behind the dumpsters at Hatton High School- At recess Mark and I would read all of the graffiti made by other school children. Some one had written 1912-that was so exciting!
   
4. The Roanoke Hotel- Dancing in the Miss Virginia Pageant was one of the best times of my life. All of the events including the ball were held at the Roanoke Hotel. It was historic and beautiful and there was peanut soup!
   
5. Busch Gardens, Williamsburg- As an employee, I knew all the spooky shortcuts.
   
6. Boca Grande, FL-The most gorgeous beach I've ever been to. Also the Bush vacation spot.
   
7. Myakka State Park, FL-Swampy land has always held my attention. So mysterious.
   
8. Whetstone Rose Garden, OH- SO MANY ROSES!
   
9. My grandmother's crowded basement- Organs, swords, bible verses, funny pouporri and fiber optics.
   
10. Casey Kemp's farm- The woods that went on forever and the baseball diamond down the road
    

3 best things i've ever made

1. eighth grade science fair project
2. the cutesy dress/costume with the buttons
3. lentil curry

the 5 best days of my life

1. the day i returned to virginia for the last time
2. valentine's day, 2008
3. my sixteenth birthday
4. nutcracker 2006-last performance
5. the night Christianity clicked

10 best friends i've ever had

1. Phil- now
   
2. Tess- then
   
3. Lauren- always
   
4. John- then
   
5. David H.- at the back of my mind, although we aren't in touch any more
   
6. Amanda- fifth grade
   
7. Kimy- middle school- I envied her
   
8. Nicole- middle school- she taught me what not to do
   
9. Marin- elementary school
   
10. My mother- I don't want to admit it, but she's always got my back.
    

Phooey

I'm blindly following a road to... somewhere. Okay not blindly. Two cliches in one sentence is too much for me. But to be honest, I'm having another mini-crisis-because "oh my gosh what if my hypothetical career in dance notation doesn't work out?!" It's silly.

My new big "maybe" scenario lies in ballet costuming. (I think?) A bit of google-ing revealed to me the steep decline in tutus over the years. I can't make a living making tutus now. Imagine that.

It helps to write this stuff down, because only then can I really perceive how ridiculous I sound.

***

This summer has turned into one big episode of rediscovering who I am. Note: rediscover. You see, I haven't really changed too much, although I've grown up a little more. I still love the same way and I still think the same way. It becomes challenging though when you're faced with new obstacles. (f.e. driving, living with your parents, living away from your boyfriend, etc.) I'm managing though.

***

The temperature dropped so quickly this afternoon that by dinner time I had to change into long pants. Clouds were rolling in and out so that the sun had no chance to reheat the earth. The cool weather tempted me to ride my bicycle around the neighborhood. I felt free for about a half and hour.

The dark clouds looked so beautiful as I cycled up and down the few intersecting streets. I could spot the rain only a few miles away because of the hills-the one wonderful part about Cincinnati.

I figure if the land was flat I could still navigate to about anywhere. Those hills though. I think I would lose my breath before making any destination.

***
I figure I'll include a driving update:

I still need to schedule behind-the-wheel lessons. And I'm still dreading those. The anxiety of driving hasn't left me. No surprise.

In reaction to this, I've tried to pick up a few more "masculine" talents. I have worked with mallets and crowbars and hammers and chainsaws and really big shovels. And a wheelbarrow. My attempt to make up for my "weakness" may or may not work. At least I will gain a few more life skills that will ultimately boost my independence.

***

I highly recommend the website, creepypasta.net if you want to wake up in the morning from nightmares.


Love,
Miss Independent (also known as Courtney)

Some like it hot

The weather's been muggy these past couple of days. That hasn't stopped the landscaping crew over in the neighbor's yard. I woke up before ten in the a.m. to the sound of their majestic bobcats tearing up the earth. As our other neighbor put it "they've put up the Berlin Wall next too... the Berlin Wall!" Next to our defensive line of arbor vitae sits five medium-sized spruces. I hope they will stop assuming we are spying on them now at least.

I finished the classroom portion of the driver's education course I am taking. I even passed the silly test in order to get "behind the wheel". My paranoia has intensified if anything since the beginning of these lessons. Phil came back to visit tonight and I couldn't stop gasping at every intersection.

We went out for hot wings and grabbed some ice cream too. It was fun, being out of the house. I really enjoy his company.

Tomorrow we're off to IKEA, methinks. Lunch probably too. I am so anxious for this I can't sleep. About a half an hour ago I raided the medicine cabinet and my eyes should be a bit more droopy soon.

I also got my room assignment this evening. (for university housing) My baby-sized room will at least have a closet, but the slanted ceiling doesn't sound too grand. I've gotta downsize the furniture I was planning on bringing.

Unfortunately, I'm feeling boring right now. It's approaching the time I dream sweetly in my bed.


Goodnight,
Courtney

Matinee

This afternoon/evening Mom and I went to see Julie and Julia. Boy, was it cute. Made me want to grow up a little. (Just an inch) And start a cooking blog. Ha-ha.

I love cookbooks and the fifties and New York City and little apartments and thirty-year-olds. Thirty is my new favorite age that I haven't gotten to yet. It never seemed glamorous before, but twenty is approaching you know.

***

Sometimes I blame my liberal outlook on my father's conservative one. Although I truly believe in my beliefs (does that make sense?) often I feel like I should be "against the man" by nature. Not that I'm that rebellious, just very defensive. Too defensive?

There's a lot of women in my field-a lot of feminists at that. Personally, I love a woman in the home. (That doesn't mean she's not independent, necessarily!) Sometimes I feel that I should be rejecting "the housewife" role though. It's not pc always.

Nowadays I'm not so sure too many middle-class "housewives"exist. I think "Julie and Julia" perfectly represented the women of their times. Julie Powell was (maybe she still is?) worked in an office but came home and devoured every recipe from Child's cookbook. Isn't that dreamy? Her relationship with her husband was pretty darn cute too. She wasn't perfect, but even her imperfections made me want to be her.

I give "Julie and Julia" two thumbs up because it made my day. It will make you stop dieting and realize you love to eat. (and that's OKAY) It will make you want to buy Julia Child's cookbook. It also might make you burn down your kitchen. (this is not okay)

This past year I've been so self-conscious. I dodged the freshman-15 but did not dodge the freshman-8. The past couple months I've spent doing pilates and yoga on the tv. And eating not much of anything. The truth is, there's some hunk in Columbus, Ohio who can cook some mother-fucking delicious pad thai. He loves cooking and I love to eat what he makes. So to hell with the dance world! You'll find me at the gym this year, but you will not find me taking shots of wheatgrass juice.

I didn't write this, but it sure is lovely:

[here's the source]


Kite


I mistook a garbage truck for thunder.

The morning after the first night we made love,
I dreamt thunder was chasing rain
through your neighborhood,
flooding the streets and keeping the two of us
indoors for days or even weeks,
until some old prophet could drop, by in an ark,
to take us and the rest of the paired-up animals
to a very high place, or an island maybe,
where we could just
sleep naked for a living.

But the thunder was a garbage truck.
And when my eyes woke up
a note on your pillow said:
"Good morning, Sparkle Boy!
I'll be back around noon.
You--make yourself at home."
And so I did.

Maybe.

I'm saying maybe I put on your slippers,
which were as comfortable as bunnies
because they were bunnies,
and then shuffled over my new favorite
hardwood floor to the bathroom
where maybe I took a bubble bath,
which is not something I can do at my place
because, frankly, my tub is way too skanky
to ever sit my bare ass down in.
And then maybe I got so caught up in the romance of the suds
I started quoting old Latin poetry from my college days
like: "fulsere quondam candidi tibi soles..."
You know: "Verily a bright sun does favor me this morning...muthafucka!"

And then maybe I...played with myself.
But it’s not what you’re thinking--
I’m saying possibly I just sorta
stuck my hand up from the water, going:

hand!(HERE I HOLD MY HAND UP LIKE A SOCK PUPPET
hand!WITHOUT THE SOCK AND MY HAND TEASES ME
hand!IN A HIGH, SMUTTY VOICE):

HAND: "Somebody got laid last night!
Ha-ha-haaaa!
It was youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!"

Or whatever.

And then maybe I...played with myself,
and it's exactly what you're thinking.
But if I did, it was only to put
the mental motion picture of our naked night together
on replay and replay and replay
so touching myself was just like...
Tivo in a way.

And yes, I was still wet when I borrowed your bathrobe.
And yes, I baked apples in your oven
and then ate them with your honey, honey.
And yes, I scared the birds away from your balcony
with my antics, dancing full-blast
to your old Prince CD's--
but please let’s just keep that my little secret,
because nothing is as private as a solitary dance
unless--maybe--it's standing in front of a full-length mirror
in a borrowed pair of bunny slippers,
slipping off a bathrobe and then wishing to a lightbulb
that my name, or my game, or my whatever were bigger,
wondering: "What kind of woman wants this skinny kid for her warrior?"

And so I made for you a kite, enormous,
out of coat hangers, brown paper bags
and the masking tape from that drawer in your kitchen,
and I hung it in the hallway
where you couldn’t hardly miss it,
and I tagged that kite with my words,
I wrote:

Just so you know--

My weird mind wanders and my brave heart breaks.
I've nailed some milestones, but I've made mistakes,
Cuz I got more faults than a map of California earthquakes.

I am taking a nap beneath your covers.
Wake me if you like me.
Wake me if you want me
Wake me if you need another poem.

Your once and future lover
has made himself at home.

***


My once and future lover in Columbus still. I thought I might be going there Wednesday. Probably not.

My head hurts very badly and so does my tummy. Add boredom and the mixture does not even come out close to happiness.

Semi-political Evening

I love "This American Life". Actually, I love NPR in general. The radio still continues to allure me. Well, podcasts anyway since they are so gosh darn convenient. Every Sunday night I look forward to an hour snippet of Chicago Public Radio. As if I was driving about the city's streets for an excuse to listen.

As soon as I click on "refresh" in itunes, it lists the main title of the segment. In other words it summarizes whether my attention will be held or not. "Arms Trader 2009" sounded political. I was right.

It initially turned me off but I had my knitting needles at hand and a huge ball of purple yarn. Scarves don't make themselves you know.

What I got from Ira tonight: Americans are way freaked out about terrorism. Even now, eight years after the attack.

Interesting statistic-
"In 2005, President Bush said that over 400 people had been charged with terrorism related crimes since the Sept. 11th attacks. And that in over half of those cases, the defendants were convicted or plead guilty. But in an investigation by the Washington Post, which spent six months examining nearly every case, found that in reality only 39 people (not 200) had been convicted of terrorism or national security related crimes. And only 14 were connected to Al Quaeda. Lahkani was counted as one of those 14."

Here's a link to the actual story.


I reccomend listening through this one. If you would have heard this guy talk-actually sob. That's right, he was actually sobbing at the beginning of the interview. If you would have heard this guy mention mangoes over and over...

...then you would understand how silly his entire predicament was.


Smuggling missiles isn't okay in my book, don't get me wrong. But I don't understand this desire to lock people up to "keep them off the streets just in case." Just in case? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

***

Today went by rather slowly. Store to store to store. Feuding with the neighbors still. I applied to PETCO right as Phil was falling asleep. You're looking at a potential grooming assistant/sales associate!

i encountered so many snobby people today

and all i could think about

was how i wish there were sidewalks in my neighborhood.

and how i wish nobody lived next door.

and that i could actually walk places

which is a mix of two extremes

but either would do right now

Tired in every way and form,
Courtney

Dance in the Dark

I might as well have closed my eyes and stumbled across my small, messy room. At two in the morning I wanted to dance. I wanted to dance.

Moving alone in the dark for no one to ever to see.

I shifted my weight subtly, picking up my belongings all the way to the door and back into my bed.


There's something so peculiar about improvisation that I still cannot wrap my head around- moving on impulse. So tonight I practiced.

I found myself making smaller gestures with my hands and arms. Grabbing flesh. Taking the smallest steps. Almost falling off balance, but then catching myself. (If you're going to dance where you cannot see, falling must be intentional)

My body's smooth dynamics may have reflected my fatigue. Not that a new phrase would start and stop evenly. Just with ease. Like writing in the sand.

***

I regret not auditioning for Annie's project. Then again, I'm not so certain I'm comfortable with my movement vocabulary just yet.

Halfway Through Summer

For the majority of my life my birthday has marked summer's conclusion. Now that I'm a big-girl who goes to college that isn't the case, especially since Ohio State's the university of choice. Classes start September 23rd I think-about two months away! I'm counting down the days til football games, falafel on High Street, technique class every morning, a gym to work out in (although the exercise ball has been pretty efficient), church-going, independence and most of all PHIL!

He came down a few days ago from Columbus and took me to out to lunch and the Newport Aquarium. I don't know why I love going there so much. Maybe it's the mass displays. Walking under hundreds of gallons of water is pretty awesome. Not to mention the company was great. (I'm talking about my boyfriend, not the dozens of fish I encountered) After our marine pseduo-adventure, we celebrated my nineteen years with my family at home.

It's great to be with somebody so caring and considerate. I never felt the least bit awkward spending time with my boyfriend and the rest of my family together that day. We're all kooks, really so there wasn't any reason we won't get along.

Right now I'm still working on getting my drivers license. I've been taking driver's ed. classes in hopes to relieve my driving anxiety. All of the information that I've received certainly has been helpful, but not so much the gory videos about drunk drivers. Nevertheless, in three more classes I begin behind the wheel lessons. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll be able to drive before I leave for school!

I'm very grateful that my parents support me the way they do; driving me to dance lessons still, feeding me, and allowing me to live under their roof. I'm also very grateful that I will regain my independence soon-living at home sure puts a damper on that!

-Courtney

Eighteen Years

My birthday's in a few days. I'll be nineteen-entering my last year of teenage-dom. It's thrilling that a whole year has passed. It's scary that a whole year has passed.

More updates on my birthday adventures to come.

***

This is a new place for new thoughts. No secrets-just sharing. Maybe recipes. Maybe photos. Dreams. Uncertainty, but bliss.


-The ever-so-curious Courtney