Constructing bodies to create monuments of femininity.

White.

Broken bodies pulling a train by their teeth.

when i am proposed to, i hope he cries.

It's difficult thinking that I might have fallen in love with a dead man.

We grew up in the same places, and our families were so close. Our mothers used to laugh over what it would be like if we ever were hitched. You tried asking me out on a date a few times, and failed. You won over my mom in hope of attempting to take me out again.

Luke was killed in Afghanistan. It hit me so hard, and took me so long to understand why. A young man I barely knew lost his life at war-a tragic loss. But I've experienced so many other tragedies during my lifetime. What was different?

I don't regret turning those dates down, since I've got myself a great guy, but I do wish I had the chance to get to know Luke a little better. His death was also the death of my past. Or at least pieces of it. The death of many places, since that's what he was to me. A compilation of all the places I knew as home.

Luke and I come from the same place. The United States Air Force. But also Grand Forks, ND. And Newport News, VA. And West Chester, OH. We went to the same schools, had the same teachers, participated in the same extra curricular activities. Now that he's gone, I'm not sure I can identify with these cities the same way. However, I do feel I am a step closer to understanding where I belong. And to whom.

Look into Nancy Henley

Beautiful women

Inspiring smiles and eyes.

Feminine gestures, and gestures of these women.

It is sometimes difficult to avoid the passive, unthreatening, ever-smiling feminine gestures that undercut any confident verbal rhetoric I espouse. This is something I am going to address with reference to feminist psychology on power and body language.

Non-reciprocal Touching-accepted by women

(peeling hands off one's own shoulder)

Smiling

out of obligation

ornament the streets?

Sitting

tucking in the limbs

Couples

dominant hands

stepping aside

position in space, relationship to hands, faking emotions

"That's not a problem."

"Great, have a wonderful day."

A greeting. "Hello, I am less powerful than you."

Where do we want to locate our power? Do we locate it at all?

Fighting the feminine dynamic...

I would really love it if men just considered these ideas.

"Oh wow, I seem to touch women but they never touch me." Not that they should stop, just that they should realize the implications of this.

Folded in. Sewing. Braiding. Crafting. Cooking. Huddle over. Crouching. Inward. Together. Smaller. Shrinking.

Even "introverted" men have learned to cope. Broad, outward, but perhaps silent.

Power struggle. Some one has to have it in the large spectrum. Do I want it, and furthermore, why would I?

Bumble: project ideas

bumble

source

same-same relationship

same-different relationship

insect

fear

fuzz

one sting

honey

hibernating bees

queen-matriarch

buzzing

flower to flower

children

dogs

summer time

clovers

honey

coming of age

adults v. children

bumbling adults in the hive

constant work

mental disorder

bumbling children-a few with each other

running, laughter

buzzing with happiness

How did I get this way?

Family portraits:

My father, a military man. But also an artist of all trades. Painting. Plumbing. Home improvements. Also, republicanism. A father of two. A brother of five.

My mother, scatterbrained. Extroverted-speaking before thinking. Full of laughter and exaggeration. Transitioning into her middle-aged years. Sobering...

My brother, autistic. Video game-obsessed. Karate kickin'. Distant, but so close.


A lot of times I look at my friends. They're artists because they've got wacko genes. I was born from ordinary people trying to put some logic to their lives.

I'm at a point where I feel pretentious writing about myself.

It's beginning to seem okay to grow up.

I just want to be happy and successful. Right now, that doesn't seem too hard.