Ideas for current project

coming of age, dancer versus doctor, genetics, becoming "a woman", small pieces/trinkets, pockets, hiding and recovers, open spaces, high up places, low places, on the ground and in the sky and through a field, autumn, changing seasons, changing age, time-building, extremes and vulnerability, nostalgia!, remembering, anecdote, talking to talk, talking like a child, like a girl, like a woman, curly blond hair, keeping warm, climbing trees

moving to...

explore, avoid, uncover, hide, trace (space and body), document, spinning out of control

like a girl: dizzy, spinning to the ground, goofing up, pouting?

Technology and Culture: Dance for the Camera

I'm too big of an amateur to suggest this is a new idea, but I am very intrigued by my own musings about dance and technology. Even better, culture and technology. Cultural materialism (Leslie White). Technology, a source of change. Art is evolving, and I'm choosing to embrace that. However, many people are slow to adapt to new technology in any context. My grandmother has never (and will never) own a computer. She's approaching seventy years of age. I personally don't own a smart phone, so I guess I haven't fully taken on technology myself.

For the fall I'm working on a video project with Bekah E., focusing on vulnerability. Recalling vulnerable experiences. What did it mean to us then? How about now as we bring it up? And then taking that further... in front of a camera. Movement and text from the then and the now. No hiding. Magnifying the vulnerability. How uncomfortable can Bekah and I make our audience feel? How uncomfortable can she make me feel? How uncomfortable SHOULD myself and the camera make her?

I want to build tension, but I also want to make my classmates (since they certainly will be watching) think about the "invasion" of technology and how it's taking over our field. We're all taking this class because videodance is a very new genre. How do we get past these hunks of metal in front of our faces? How can we look at the camera differently from a "capturing" device?

There's one thing I really know how to do: love.

I live with artists. They make things. I make things too. But they know what they want. They have big, solid dreams. I have many, many small ones.

It's funny. I write these brief lists without ever looking at the big picture, or trying to figure out what it all means. (It all means something.) For instance, I say I'll be content in ten years if I'm married with a dog, a small house, and a small yard with a green lawn. Add five years and children? Traveling. Delicious food. Adventures. Sundays under the covers. Ice cream. Canoeing.

What I want always includes somebody else.

My self-worth has always depended on others. I don't think that means I'm incapable of doing things on my own. I just value having others to share my accomplishments with.

Here and later, and silly worries.

I'm taking anxiety medication. I can drive on the highway and talk to people I don't know now. Being friendly seems so easy, even though that's the way I've always been. It's funny how quickly the definition of "friendly" can change though. I used to be offended when others would assume I wasn't. Friendly doesn't mean outgoing, but it does mean caring about others. And even if you care about others, you do have to show it. I used to have a really hard time showing it. So, I'm discovering that I really do have a lot more friends than I thought. It's reassuring. It makes me feel good.

A lot of my friends have traveled abroad this summer, or are away right now. I've never gone any where alone. The idea intrigues me, but I'm not sure if I would like it. Or how I would afford it. I worry that my friends will change and furthermore see me differently. I might appear less adventurous. Or boring.

To tell you the truth, I'm really afraid about next year. I know that's far away, but I don't want to be alone again. I kid about getting a dog and living alone, but I think that's what I'm really going to have to do. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. Right now I have housemates who help clean up, and lock the doors, and check up on me when I'm out late. I'm capable, but it won't be ideal.

I guess that's come up for me because Steph and Danny are approaching 25, and they talk a lot about their post-grad plans. I'm not quite there yet, and I'm not ready to think about it.

I'm settled in my new home with my new housemates. I baked pumpkin cookies this evening, and pecan pie yesterday. I'm ready for fall. Ready for new ideas. It feels right.

I missed the Perseid meteors, but that's okay I still have next year. Another summer...

You haven't missed much this past month, blog-world. I've been having birthdays and seeing doctors and walking the dog. Driving back and forth from Buckner Martial Arts. And the grocery store. What a life.

I move September 7th. I'm excited because I miss Columbus, but I am dreading my parents getting all weepy on me. (I know it's gonna happen) I'm excited for seeing friends and baking in my own kitchen and dancing!

For Phil,

If I could do anything in the world from this moment on, I would be happy for me and for you. For me, so that I may develop pride in my self. And for you, so that you may experience joy in each day in your life. Even when I am away or not with you.

To be truthful, there are days I don't stop to cherish our love. When I remember, I'm quickly saddened and try harder not to forget. When you are so far from me I cannot redeem myself. I can only try harder.

You are a gem. Other women see this too. I know that I am pretty, bright, and loving. This makes me unique. However, happiness can be borrowed and shifted. A smile goes farther than good looks.

And so, I hope you see that my eyes shine with delight in your company.

Arty Party

This past week I visited two art museums:

The Wexner Center for the Arts

&

The Cincinnati Art Museum

I've been to both before, but the Mark Bradford exhibit (WC) and the SEE AMERICA exhibit (CAM) were new to me. I wasn't drooling this time, the way I usually do around contemporary art. Both times I just looked.

Why do people spend their time and money to "look"? Are these pieces failed attempts to engage people? Or are they not attempting that at all? Often I worry that my own work is too bizarre for my audience to feel anything. (Yes, I am aware I am grouping myself with visual artists)

I'm bored with the theatre. I'm bored with "movement only".

I want hydrangeas. And Gus/Lorna the Weimaraner. A patio.

I want to share a closet. I want a spare bedroom.

I want to sip coffee and tea in the mornings with him.

I want to spend Christmas in the mountains with him.

I want to make videos and teach children. I want to work in galleries.

I want my work in galleries.

Female Heterosexuality

Male heterosexuality is extremely valued in Western society, but so is female heterosexuality. You say, "of course, that's natural". I don't care to counter that point. Right now I am interested in exposing female sexuality in male-dominated America.

Sexual teenagers in a man's world.

Lesbians in a man's world.

Older women in a man's world.

Notes on video ideas:

I am interested in loneliness. Lonely spaces, lonely people. Large group dynamics verses solo. How people and/or one person transforms a space. How a space can transform people and their movement. Their actions/reactions.

Consequential settings. Dining room with many people? People disappear, leaving one. Individual goes to outside setting. Setting changes? Consistency remains with individual? Movement carries through each setting.

"candid" camera angles. Other elements disappear/reappear-clothing, props?

Time is spending you.

I only read a few chapters of a memoir this afternoon, but it's beginning to sink in for me. I already relate to the author, even though she has yet to supply any substantial information about herself.

She recalls conversing with a nun at nineteen years old talking about leisure. It became rather clear to her that this woman could ultimately do what she would never be able to do again-leisurely activities. The author discusses trying to "take back the time" that she lost as an adult. To go back to girl-hood without responsibilities and read books and write stories and let that time pass.

"Time is spending you."

This becomes her life goal. Getting moments back. As a part of society these are hard to come by. When is there time for reflection when the market is roaring? Everything's economical here in America. Time is money. You'll pay.

I am having trouble finding work. Granted, I'm not trying as hard as I could, but I'm not satisfied with money. I'm satisfied with time. I'm satisfied with leisure. And I think that should be a right.

Why do we do what we do? Why do we run around trying to make ends meet? For what? To survive? What does that even mean any more? Why are the costs so high?

I just wanna be.

If I were a dog,

If I were a dog I would really want to be an italian greyhound. They're slender little things, that act much more like felines. Owners say they're independent. They climb atop couches and counter tops. They bask in sunlight. Some never go outside (using litter-boxes for potty-breaks). Wouldn't that be dreamy. The thing is though, they are very fragile animals. I definitely wouldn't be an italian greyhound.

If I were a dog I would probably be a cocker spaniel. Attractive with varying personalities. Sometimes you'll get a cocker spaniel who is quirky and full of energy. Other times they will be calm and mellow. A cocker spaniel is alway loving. They are always friendly. Small but boxy. At your side.

I know too much about dogs. If you were here, I would forget about the dogs and think more about other things. If I wasn't thinking about other things, you would still listen. At least I think you would.

"I laughed and said, life is easy. What I meant was, life is easy with you here, and when you leave it will be hard again. "

(Some more MJ.)

Media that lasts.

i was in the shower thinking about how lovely it is to sing there. and then i was thinking about how lovely it is to dance there. which got me thinking about how we create dance for certain spaces.

usually it's done on a stage. which is great usually, but what happens when you don't have a stage? i mean, it would be terrible if the dancing stopped all together just because there wasn't a stage for it to happen.

but okay, now forget the stage specifically. dance (movement) happens, and because it happens, some geographic location is always involved. you dance in a studio, on a stage, outside, etc. always a venue. i'd like to think you could dance in space, or in the sky, or over the internet but we're not there yet. so either it happens or it doesn't.

during my fourth year of college i have to put together a large project. also during my fourth year of college, the department's building is going to be renovated. that means no stage or studios. i am trying to brainstorm ideas about making a piece about something mundane and ordinary that almost everybody will be intrigued by. that doesn't have to be on stage. that will/can carry on through other media. so it lasts longer that the allotted time. that happens in more than just a place. it's kind of complicated though.

i don't just want to make video. i want live performance. but live performance is kind of a one time thing, and i want what i make to last longer than that. for instance, miranda july's sculptures in new york are meant to be posed with, to take photos with. any regular sculpture you see is usually in a museum, or near a hospital, or on the side of the road. and you just pass by, or you might stop and ponder it for awhile, but you always leave. dance is kind of like that too.

it lasts only in memories. i want a little something more than that. still working on it though.

The moon and the stars and butterscotch candies.

I'm the last one awake. Every one else fell asleep on the couch. It makes me wonder how they become so tired on a lazy Sunday like this one. It was pleasant-we even went to the movies. We saw "The A-team", and I liked it.

I'm closer to getting a job. My driving skills are improving. Things are gradual, but alright.

For the rest of the night I intend on watching "To Catch A Predator", while chewing on sugary sweets.

First it was all about fitting in. And then, about standing out. You see, it's so much more complex than that.

I strive to be ordinary. An every-day sort of person. (Alright, I try a little harder sometimes) But ordinary is pretty darn good too. It's a reasonable expectation. A friendly expectation. And still an ambiguous expectation.

You can't take "ordinary" out of context. I mean if I were to travel up North, they might ask me where I'm from. I would have to tell them everywhere, but you get the idea. I might stick out in a crowd. Not on purpose though.

There are plenty of people in the same places that all want the same thing-some grand quality or way of life that sets them apart from everybody else. But they all want it. Not everybody, but a lot of bodies.

It might be a bit self-centered of me to say I don't think the same way most people do. However, I don't want this to hinder me. I want the same expectations. I don't want people to say, "Hey, look at that weirdo girl over there, she would never listen to really loud hip-hop music." OR "She would never come out and party with us. She would never take a sip of natural light beer." Neither of these things are exactly my preference, but I want to keep my options open!

They tell normal people here in America that all your wildest dreams come true-just work harder. Can I work harder at being ordinary? Or is that slacking off?

I just want to relate to other people. To feel the same way they do.

So much of the time we overlook how amazing we all are, just as we are.

Grumbles and Maybes

I'm hungry. This morning I ate two corn-muffins with honey. A couple chocolate-covered espresso beans. For lunch I drank a 180-calorie strawberry lemonade. Dinner might be applesauce. I've got to be backstage in an hour to work on a gift for Eran. (ze choreographer) Better start on my hair soon. (Curly pigtails) (Also, second to last kiss tonight. bah.)

I love Miranda July. Thought I would proclaim that to the internet world. She is... perfect. I want to write her a letter. I probably will. There's a slim chance she might write back. Even though she's a pretty famous artist, you never know. She might even like me! She might make all my wildest dreams come true!

"What's confusing about [being a feminist]? It's just being pro-your ability to do what you need to do. It doesn't mean you don't love your boyfriend or whatever...When I say 'feminist', I mean that in the most complex, interesting, exciting way!"

You go sister. I think I might be Miranda July's definition of a feminist.

Let your day be golden

Right now I'm skipping class, because frankly I'm not ready for the week to start. It's surreal that Dance Downtown has commenced-not to mention I'll only be in Columbus for four more weeks. My sophomore year of college is nearing its end. The summer's wide open though.

I want to read books and work a nice job and acquire a gym membership. Maybe jog with the dog. Go on quests? House a few visitors? (winkwink) Crossing my fingers that this comes soon, since I still have a lot of work coming my way. For now I'll munch on more chocolate covered espresso beans. (I hear it aids pink-eye recovery...)

Five intriguing questions...

Do you know you are normal?

I don't know. At all. Actually, I don't usually think I am but that's a bit pretentious to say.

Are you courageous?

Not really. Unless you think vulnerability is a courageous think. I'm pretty good at becoming vulnerable in a variety of situations.

Do you respond more to color or texture?

Textures imploring color. Yellows make my heart sing. But so do florals.

Can you jump directly from a sitting position? How does it feel when you try?

I can. I did break my ankle once doing so before.

What is the best garment you have ever owned?

An Erin Featherston dress from target. With rabbits and a large bow around the waist. I broke the straps... still need to sew those...

Untitled

lukewarm coffee tastes just as disappointing

as meeting your eyes from across this open space.

sometimes our glances linger, embarrassedly.

the way we move is love.

i don't know you

-nor do i intend to-

but in my dreams this dance is with my soul mate.

Women's Studies brings up a lot of issues about identity and sexuality and sexual identity. As a woman taking a course in Women's Studies, I feel that all of the content applies to me. This is troubling-I can't analyze any information objectively.

Without revealing too much personal information, I think it would alright to put it out there that the male penis really scares me. It's ugly, and I'm not sure where or who I learned that from. It even offends me sometimes.

The homosexual and heterosexual penis really are no different. They're both sexual. Because heterosexuality is most commonly recognized as a standard (not sure I agree with this one), homosexuals focus on their sexual identities a lot. I think heterosexuals would talk about it just as much if they didn't think it was "normal" or if people harassed them about it. In our society the heterosexual has nothing to justify. (maybe they do? maybe no one should justify a thing!)

Anyway, I see a lot of sexually charged work in the dance department. There is probably a more open gay community here than in other places, and this doesn't make me uncomfortable. The very idea of the penis is just so awful to me though! I don't want overlook any dance with homosexual references because of my phobia.

I'm afraid of masculinity maybe. I'm afraid of giving into stereotypical male traits that I don't like. My professor talks about gender identity and I clearly fall into the stereotypical female category. This means that I will "not succeed as a career woman." I won't succeed at all if I act like myself.

It's tough when who you are is who you are. I am a woman who acts like a woman...

I'm not supposed to post about my personal life.

Women Studies came at the right time. Combine that with Video Art and I've got myself quite a project. Engaging the viewer. Beauty. Maneuvering the audience. Feminism. Minimalism. Breaking stereotypes. Formalism. Good stuff after only one day. I have some dancing to do.

My body aches from ballet this morning. I'm sick with a cold. Maybe sick with a serious illness. Who knows... too much is going on with my body to tell.

I'm supposed to writing an autobiography to share, so I'm thinking I have to have something hidden on the internet somewhere to submit. I don't want to write something new. My thoughts are already too nostalgic. If she wants something raw, then that's what she gets.

My mom forgot to call me back this evening. Kind of like how I forgot to call HER back. Funny how that works. She not the only disappointing one. Sometimes I wanna ask everybody, "Is this how I treat you?" because honestly I don't even pay enough attention. Maybe nobody is paying enough attention. Should I even blame them?

Elevator chats.

A lot of times in movies that take place in any big city, there always happen to be scenes going up and down elevators with usually only two people inside. The situation is always a fumbling one. He has laundry detergent in one hand. She has a bag of groceries. "What are you up to?" "Laundry." (she nods) "Oh, me? Shopping." Some awful comment follows and one of them leaves.

It's the same in real life.

I haven't posted in months. Winter quarter was a brutal one, and these past few weeks have been especially interesting. I've been on quests on stage and off- seeking out recommendation letters and (eek) theatre kissing. Barely making it through long essays and exams. Two more days and I'm home.

It's a much needed break.

When I come back to Columbus, I will dive into five days of ballet a week, intense rep rehearsals, and the beginning of new innovative thought. Until then! (or maybe before)