Time is spending you.

I only read a few chapters of a memoir this afternoon, but it's beginning to sink in for me. I already relate to the author, even though she has yet to supply any substantial information about herself.

She recalls conversing with a nun at nineteen years old talking about leisure. It became rather clear to her that this woman could ultimately do what she would never be able to do again-leisurely activities. The author discusses trying to "take back the time" that she lost as an adult. To go back to girl-hood without responsibilities and read books and write stories and let that time pass.

"Time is spending you."

This becomes her life goal. Getting moments back. As a part of society these are hard to come by. When is there time for reflection when the market is roaring? Everything's economical here in America. Time is money. You'll pay.

I am having trouble finding work. Granted, I'm not trying as hard as I could, but I'm not satisfied with money. I'm satisfied with time. I'm satisfied with leisure. And I think that should be a right.

Why do we do what we do? Why do we run around trying to make ends meet? For what? To survive? What does that even mean any more? Why are the costs so high?

I just wanna be.

If I were a dog,

If I were a dog I would really want to be an italian greyhound. They're slender little things, that act much more like felines. Owners say they're independent. They climb atop couches and counter tops. They bask in sunlight. Some never go outside (using litter-boxes for potty-breaks). Wouldn't that be dreamy. The thing is though, they are very fragile animals. I definitely wouldn't be an italian greyhound.

If I were a dog I would probably be a cocker spaniel. Attractive with varying personalities. Sometimes you'll get a cocker spaniel who is quirky and full of energy. Other times they will be calm and mellow. A cocker spaniel is alway loving. They are always friendly. Small but boxy. At your side.

I know too much about dogs. If you were here, I would forget about the dogs and think more about other things. If I wasn't thinking about other things, you would still listen. At least I think you would.

"I laughed and said, life is easy. What I meant was, life is easy with you here, and when you leave it will be hard again. "

(Some more MJ.)

Media that lasts.

i was in the shower thinking about how lovely it is to sing there. and then i was thinking about how lovely it is to dance there. which got me thinking about how we create dance for certain spaces.

usually it's done on a stage. which is great usually, but what happens when you don't have a stage? i mean, it would be terrible if the dancing stopped all together just because there wasn't a stage for it to happen.

but okay, now forget the stage specifically. dance (movement) happens, and because it happens, some geographic location is always involved. you dance in a studio, on a stage, outside, etc. always a venue. i'd like to think you could dance in space, or in the sky, or over the internet but we're not there yet. so either it happens or it doesn't.

during my fourth year of college i have to put together a large project. also during my fourth year of college, the department's building is going to be renovated. that means no stage or studios. i am trying to brainstorm ideas about making a piece about something mundane and ordinary that almost everybody will be intrigued by. that doesn't have to be on stage. that will/can carry on through other media. so it lasts longer that the allotted time. that happens in more than just a place. it's kind of complicated though.

i don't just want to make video. i want live performance. but live performance is kind of a one time thing, and i want what i make to last longer than that. for instance, miranda july's sculptures in new york are meant to be posed with, to take photos with. any regular sculpture you see is usually in a museum, or near a hospital, or on the side of the road. and you just pass by, or you might stop and ponder it for awhile, but you always leave. dance is kind of like that too.

it lasts only in memories. i want a little something more than that. still working on it though.

The moon and the stars and butterscotch candies.

I'm the last one awake. Every one else fell asleep on the couch. It makes me wonder how they become so tired on a lazy Sunday like this one. It was pleasant-we even went to the movies. We saw "The A-team", and I liked it.

I'm closer to getting a job. My driving skills are improving. Things are gradual, but alright.

For the rest of the night I intend on watching "To Catch A Predator", while chewing on sugary sweets.

First it was all about fitting in. And then, about standing out. You see, it's so much more complex than that.

I strive to be ordinary. An every-day sort of person. (Alright, I try a little harder sometimes) But ordinary is pretty darn good too. It's a reasonable expectation. A friendly expectation. And still an ambiguous expectation.

You can't take "ordinary" out of context. I mean if I were to travel up North, they might ask me where I'm from. I would have to tell them everywhere, but you get the idea. I might stick out in a crowd. Not on purpose though.

There are plenty of people in the same places that all want the same thing-some grand quality or way of life that sets them apart from everybody else. But they all want it. Not everybody, but a lot of bodies.

It might be a bit self-centered of me to say I don't think the same way most people do. However, I don't want this to hinder me. I want the same expectations. I don't want people to say, "Hey, look at that weirdo girl over there, she would never listen to really loud hip-hop music." OR "She would never come out and party with us. She would never take a sip of natural light beer." Neither of these things are exactly my preference, but I want to keep my options open!

They tell normal people here in America that all your wildest dreams come true-just work harder. Can I work harder at being ordinary? Or is that slacking off?

I just want to relate to other people. To feel the same way they do.

So much of the time we overlook how amazing we all are, just as we are.