When autumn steepens I think of you, four years ago. We went wandering through parks, not knowing what to do with one another. I climbed into the ground and you took photographs of trees. Weeks later the snow fell, hard. We went to an amateur high school play together. We sipped on tea. Swooning.

Right now it's this smell that reminds me of you. My old room, cold and full of antique books. Hope.

What gives me hope is that I know something incredible is coming.

That despite this spell, I can feel it in my bones.

What does that even mean?

I will never achieve what I want, because I won't allow myself to. Silly story. I could move to Paris and wallow with the French for a living. I'd be rich.

I'm striving for something steady, but then what? What will I do with my nice things, genuine relationships, and free time? Exist?

Exist.

I'm falling again.

A Dream

He told us he had two weeks to live. Cancer, or something. On the third to last day we went for a car ride on an empty road, silently. After two hours he dropped me off at home. The next day his mother calls. "Where's Luke!?" she exclaims, "He never returned home yesterday afternoon." I explained I saw him only until 10:00 PM. He was just gone. He didn't die in his home, he just left and never came back.

Happy October

Life is settling in to place. Like leaves.

I'm also very tired.

I've cooked with pumpkin and have made spiced cider.

I wear sweaters.

No time to pot flowers.

Just scraping by...

Sappy love-shit.

I know a lot of people in relationships like Phil's and mine who are engaged. I'm not hinting at anything, but it does make me think more about weddings. That's a fad for young women my age. I guess for all young women. A lot of them look forward to the wedding they always dreamed of as a little girl. That was never me, but I can say I've been thinking about it.

I want to get married in our house. Our backyard. It might be empty, but at least we'll have enough room for every one. I want a pretty garden made-up just for the ceremony, and string-lights and cocktails outside for every one. Nothing incredibly extravagent, just quaint. I want all my closest friends and family to help create memories in our first home. That would mean the world to me.

So parents, when the day comes, I would really like you to help us (whoever that means) buy a house. That doesn't seem too frivelous to me.

Beautiful boy,

you hide behind the coat racks

where the soggy rain-coats hang.

The sunshine-

it's leaking from your pockets.

You don't need a jacket on a day like today.