Bread Pudding with a Rum Glaze

I've never tried bread pudding before tonight. After going through a few cookbooks of my Mom's, I discovered a baking mix in the pantry. So, I tore up 1/3 a loaf of Italian bread, mixed up all my ingredients, and put that baby in the oven.

Then the pan overflowed.

Dinner (Mom made a stew with coconut rice) was quite delicious though, and it turns out the bread pudding was too. I'm afraid I don't have any pictures to document this creation of mine. It's actually better that way. This dessert is a sight for sore eyes.

***

Lately the importance of family has been on my mind. On a mile walk around the neighborhood with the dog, I allowed my mind to wander.

A woman passed me, towing her children around in a red wagon. There were two sweet little girls, waving to the pooch at my side. They were adorable, and so was their mother for even offering to pull them around the block in that thing. I couldn't help but smile.

I love children. I wouldn't be upset if my only connection to danceland was through teaching. Sometimes I even think I would be happier if I forgot about dancing and took up a degree in education. There's no way of telling though.

Months ago Phil asked me what I want to be when I grow up. I said " a wife and a mother". I still mean it today. My desire stems from elsewhere these days though.

There is a difference between enthusiasm for love and vulnerability. I grew up thinking I needed a man to make me happy. I grew up thinking marriage was the only thing I would ever be capable of. Now I'm beginning to seek out independence. This summer I have devoted myself toward learning life skills so that I will never need a man to help with trivial daily tasks. (Although time to time, I might ask for it)

Because of my circumstances, I love that I have figured this out. I am with Phil simply because I love him, not because I need somebody down the line to fall back onto. My current realizations put me at ease-now I can daydream without worry.


No worries, especially when you've got a belly full of bread pudding.

"Sexual feelings are good, they are a gift from God, and they are part of what causes our desire to get married. I'm all for being careful, but avoiding your urges like the plague I don't think is quite the right path. " -Xanga user, "Thenightcometh"

I don't think I want to elaborate. Some words are meant to sit for awhile.

Five for Now

I've spent most of this evening in front of the television, although not intentionally. Somehow I naturally gravitate toward in front of the screen when every one is off doing their own things. I can't really say what I was watching either-no idea. When Dad joined in we were tuned into "Ghost Hunters". He turned into a "ghost hunter" himself as he rewound the tv footage over and over looking for apparitions [he claimed he didn't believe]. I love my dad and how weird he is.

My nightly ritual consists of surfing the internet and blogging here and there. I stumbled upon a great one "life coach" that mentions ten important lists to write before you die. Now I don't plan on dying anything time soon, but I figure it might be a fun exercise and an interesting read. So here I go...

10 people who most helped me in my life.

1. My mother- She taught me my manners, the definition of a "clean home", and the importance of family. My mother is a nut and has definitely influenced my personality in the goofiest of ways. I think of my mother and remember to not take things so seriously always. Most of all, Mom's always been there to listen, at the worst and the best of times.
   
2. My father-I grew up quoting my dad to the other kids at school. They'd asked, "What, is your dad a scientist or something?" and I would say, "Nope, he's in the air force!" My dad has taught me patriotism. He's taught me logic. He's taught me curiosity.
   
3. My brother- Ross can be the biggest pain in my butt, but through his ways I have learned patience. Tough love was a concept I never understood until the past few years. He's a brute and I love him.
   
4. Phil- There's so much I want to say about Phil that I cannot put into words. My spirituality has blossomed because of his inspiring insight. I have learned to love myself for who I am. I know kind love now. He's my soultwin. We're silly together and we don't care who's watching.
   
5. Daniel-You can't change people, no matter how much you love them.
   
6. John- I will never be as stubborn as he has been to me. Friendship is something to be deeply valued.
   
7. Dr. Laverty-She always had the best intentions. No one has seen me evolve as an artist the way she has. I wish I could talk to her again.
   
8. My Grandpa Michard- I never spoke much to this man. He was a journalist. He told me as a child to write down everything I remember, or else I'll forget. To this day, I'm very forgetful, but I'm nostalgic. And I journal so often.
   
9. Frau Stamp- I was probably the worst AP DEUTSCH student to ever enter L. E., but Frau had such a soft spot for me. When I had nobody she kept an eye out for me. At the end of my senior year she attended that silly dance recital. It really meant so much to have some one so kind in my life when they had no obligation to be.
   
10. Mr. White- This guy is the source of all my creativity.
    

10 most memorable places i've visited

1. Notre Dame- It's one of the few memories of Europe I have.
   
2. The community pumpkin patch in Hatton, ND- We went every october with the whole family. The last year we lived there we picked 121 pumpkins.
   
3. The tiny courtyard behind the dumpsters at Hatton High School- At recess Mark and I would read all of the graffiti made by other school children. Some one had written 1912-that was so exciting!
   
4. The Roanoke Hotel- Dancing in the Miss Virginia Pageant was one of the best times of my life. All of the events including the ball were held at the Roanoke Hotel. It was historic and beautiful and there was peanut soup!
   
5. Busch Gardens, Williamsburg- As an employee, I knew all the spooky shortcuts.
   
6. Boca Grande, FL-The most gorgeous beach I've ever been to. Also the Bush vacation spot.
   
7. Myakka State Park, FL-Swampy land has always held my attention. So mysterious.
   
8. Whetstone Rose Garden, OH- SO MANY ROSES!
   
9. My grandmother's crowded basement- Organs, swords, bible verses, funny pouporri and fiber optics.
   
10. Casey Kemp's farm- The woods that went on forever and the baseball diamond down the road
    

3 best things i've ever made

1. eighth grade science fair project
2. the cutesy dress/costume with the buttons
3. lentil curry

the 5 best days of my life

1. the day i returned to virginia for the last time
2. valentine's day, 2008
3. my sixteenth birthday
4. nutcracker 2006-last performance
5. the night Christianity clicked

10 best friends i've ever had

1. Phil- now
   
2. Tess- then
   
3. Lauren- always
   
4. John- then
   
5. David H.- at the back of my mind, although we aren't in touch any more
   
6. Amanda- fifth grade
   
7. Kimy- middle school- I envied her
   
8. Nicole- middle school- she taught me what not to do
   
9. Marin- elementary school
   
10. My mother- I don't want to admit it, but she's always got my back.
    

Phooey

I'm blindly following a road to... somewhere. Okay not blindly. Two cliches in one sentence is too much for me. But to be honest, I'm having another mini-crisis-because "oh my gosh what if my hypothetical career in dance notation doesn't work out?!" It's silly.

My new big "maybe" scenario lies in ballet costuming. (I think?) A bit of google-ing revealed to me the steep decline in tutus over the years. I can't make a living making tutus now. Imagine that.

It helps to write this stuff down, because only then can I really perceive how ridiculous I sound.

***

This summer has turned into one big episode of rediscovering who I am. Note: rediscover. You see, I haven't really changed too much, although I've grown up a little more. I still love the same way and I still think the same way. It becomes challenging though when you're faced with new obstacles. (f.e. driving, living with your parents, living away from your boyfriend, etc.) I'm managing though.

***

The temperature dropped so quickly this afternoon that by dinner time I had to change into long pants. Clouds were rolling in and out so that the sun had no chance to reheat the earth. The cool weather tempted me to ride my bicycle around the neighborhood. I felt free for about a half and hour.

The dark clouds looked so beautiful as I cycled up and down the few intersecting streets. I could spot the rain only a few miles away because of the hills-the one wonderful part about Cincinnati.

I figure if the land was flat I could still navigate to about anywhere. Those hills though. I think I would lose my breath before making any destination.

***
I figure I'll include a driving update:

I still need to schedule behind-the-wheel lessons. And I'm still dreading those. The anxiety of driving hasn't left me. No surprise.

In reaction to this, I've tried to pick up a few more "masculine" talents. I have worked with mallets and crowbars and hammers and chainsaws and really big shovels. And a wheelbarrow. My attempt to make up for my "weakness" may or may not work. At least I will gain a few more life skills that will ultimately boost my independence.

***

I highly recommend the website, creepypasta.net if you want to wake up in the morning from nightmares.


Love,
Miss Independent (also known as Courtney)

Some like it hot

The weather's been muggy these past couple of days. That hasn't stopped the landscaping crew over in the neighbor's yard. I woke up before ten in the a.m. to the sound of their majestic bobcats tearing up the earth. As our other neighbor put it "they've put up the Berlin Wall next too... the Berlin Wall!" Next to our defensive line of arbor vitae sits five medium-sized spruces. I hope they will stop assuming we are spying on them now at least.

I finished the classroom portion of the driver's education course I am taking. I even passed the silly test in order to get "behind the wheel". My paranoia has intensified if anything since the beginning of these lessons. Phil came back to visit tonight and I couldn't stop gasping at every intersection.

We went out for hot wings and grabbed some ice cream too. It was fun, being out of the house. I really enjoy his company.

Tomorrow we're off to IKEA, methinks. Lunch probably too. I am so anxious for this I can't sleep. About a half an hour ago I raided the medicine cabinet and my eyes should be a bit more droopy soon.

I also got my room assignment this evening. (for university housing) My baby-sized room will at least have a closet, but the slanted ceiling doesn't sound too grand. I've gotta downsize the furniture I was planning on bringing.

Unfortunately, I'm feeling boring right now. It's approaching the time I dream sweetly in my bed.


Goodnight,
Courtney

Matinee

This afternoon/evening Mom and I went to see Julie and Julia. Boy, was it cute. Made me want to grow up a little. (Just an inch) And start a cooking blog. Ha-ha.

I love cookbooks and the fifties and New York City and little apartments and thirty-year-olds. Thirty is my new favorite age that I haven't gotten to yet. It never seemed glamorous before, but twenty is approaching you know.

***

Sometimes I blame my liberal outlook on my father's conservative one. Although I truly believe in my beliefs (does that make sense?) often I feel like I should be "against the man" by nature. Not that I'm that rebellious, just very defensive. Too defensive?

There's a lot of women in my field-a lot of feminists at that. Personally, I love a woman in the home. (That doesn't mean she's not independent, necessarily!) Sometimes I feel that I should be rejecting "the housewife" role though. It's not pc always.

Nowadays I'm not so sure too many middle-class "housewives"exist. I think "Julie and Julia" perfectly represented the women of their times. Julie Powell was (maybe she still is?) worked in an office but came home and devoured every recipe from Child's cookbook. Isn't that dreamy? Her relationship with her husband was pretty darn cute too. She wasn't perfect, but even her imperfections made me want to be her.

I give "Julie and Julia" two thumbs up because it made my day. It will make you stop dieting and realize you love to eat. (and that's OKAY) It will make you want to buy Julia Child's cookbook. It also might make you burn down your kitchen. (this is not okay)

This past year I've been so self-conscious. I dodged the freshman-15 but did not dodge the freshman-8. The past couple months I've spent doing pilates and yoga on the tv. And eating not much of anything. The truth is, there's some hunk in Columbus, Ohio who can cook some mother-fucking delicious pad thai. He loves cooking and I love to eat what he makes. So to hell with the dance world! You'll find me at the gym this year, but you will not find me taking shots of wheatgrass juice.

I didn't write this, but it sure is lovely:

[here's the source]


Kite


I mistook a garbage truck for thunder.

The morning after the first night we made love,
I dreamt thunder was chasing rain
through your neighborhood,
flooding the streets and keeping the two of us
indoors for days or even weeks,
until some old prophet could drop, by in an ark,
to take us and the rest of the paired-up animals
to a very high place, or an island maybe,
where we could just
sleep naked for a living.

But the thunder was a garbage truck.
And when my eyes woke up
a note on your pillow said:
"Good morning, Sparkle Boy!
I'll be back around noon.
You--make yourself at home."
And so I did.

Maybe.

I'm saying maybe I put on your slippers,
which were as comfortable as bunnies
because they were bunnies,
and then shuffled over my new favorite
hardwood floor to the bathroom
where maybe I took a bubble bath,
which is not something I can do at my place
because, frankly, my tub is way too skanky
to ever sit my bare ass down in.
And then maybe I got so caught up in the romance of the suds
I started quoting old Latin poetry from my college days
like: "fulsere quondam candidi tibi soles..."
You know: "Verily a bright sun does favor me this morning...muthafucka!"

And then maybe I...played with myself.
But it’s not what you’re thinking--
I’m saying possibly I just sorta
stuck my hand up from the water, going:

hand!(HERE I HOLD MY HAND UP LIKE A SOCK PUPPET
hand!WITHOUT THE SOCK AND MY HAND TEASES ME
hand!IN A HIGH, SMUTTY VOICE):

HAND: "Somebody got laid last night!
Ha-ha-haaaa!
It was youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!"

Or whatever.

And then maybe I...played with myself,
and it's exactly what you're thinking.
But if I did, it was only to put
the mental motion picture of our naked night together
on replay and replay and replay
so touching myself was just like...
Tivo in a way.

And yes, I was still wet when I borrowed your bathrobe.
And yes, I baked apples in your oven
and then ate them with your honey, honey.
And yes, I scared the birds away from your balcony
with my antics, dancing full-blast
to your old Prince CD's--
but please let’s just keep that my little secret,
because nothing is as private as a solitary dance
unless--maybe--it's standing in front of a full-length mirror
in a borrowed pair of bunny slippers,
slipping off a bathrobe and then wishing to a lightbulb
that my name, or my game, or my whatever were bigger,
wondering: "What kind of woman wants this skinny kid for her warrior?"

And so I made for you a kite, enormous,
out of coat hangers, brown paper bags
and the masking tape from that drawer in your kitchen,
and I hung it in the hallway
where you couldn’t hardly miss it,
and I tagged that kite with my words,
I wrote:

Just so you know--

My weird mind wanders and my brave heart breaks.
I've nailed some milestones, but I've made mistakes,
Cuz I got more faults than a map of California earthquakes.

I am taking a nap beneath your covers.
Wake me if you like me.
Wake me if you want me
Wake me if you need another poem.

Your once and future lover
has made himself at home.

***


My once and future lover in Columbus still. I thought I might be going there Wednesday. Probably not.

My head hurts very badly and so does my tummy. Add boredom and the mixture does not even come out close to happiness.

Semi-political Evening

I love "This American Life". Actually, I love NPR in general. The radio still continues to allure me. Well, podcasts anyway since they are so gosh darn convenient. Every Sunday night I look forward to an hour snippet of Chicago Public Radio. As if I was driving about the city's streets for an excuse to listen.

As soon as I click on "refresh" in itunes, it lists the main title of the segment. In other words it summarizes whether my attention will be held or not. "Arms Trader 2009" sounded political. I was right.

It initially turned me off but I had my knitting needles at hand and a huge ball of purple yarn. Scarves don't make themselves you know.

What I got from Ira tonight: Americans are way freaked out about terrorism. Even now, eight years after the attack.

Interesting statistic-
"In 2005, President Bush said that over 400 people had been charged with terrorism related crimes since the Sept. 11th attacks. And that in over half of those cases, the defendants were convicted or plead guilty. But in an investigation by the Washington Post, which spent six months examining nearly every case, found that in reality only 39 people (not 200) had been convicted of terrorism or national security related crimes. And only 14 were connected to Al Quaeda. Lahkani was counted as one of those 14."

Here's a link to the actual story.


I reccomend listening through this one. If you would have heard this guy talk-actually sob. That's right, he was actually sobbing at the beginning of the interview. If you would have heard this guy mention mangoes over and over...

...then you would understand how silly his entire predicament was.


Smuggling missiles isn't okay in my book, don't get me wrong. But I don't understand this desire to lock people up to "keep them off the streets just in case." Just in case? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

***

Today went by rather slowly. Store to store to store. Feuding with the neighbors still. I applied to PETCO right as Phil was falling asleep. You're looking at a potential grooming assistant/sales associate!

i encountered so many snobby people today

and all i could think about

was how i wish there were sidewalks in my neighborhood.

and how i wish nobody lived next door.

and that i could actually walk places

which is a mix of two extremes

but either would do right now

Tired in every way and form,
Courtney

Dance in the Dark

I might as well have closed my eyes and stumbled across my small, messy room. At two in the morning I wanted to dance. I wanted to dance.

Moving alone in the dark for no one to ever to see.

I shifted my weight subtly, picking up my belongings all the way to the door and back into my bed.


There's something so peculiar about improvisation that I still cannot wrap my head around- moving on impulse. So tonight I practiced.

I found myself making smaller gestures with my hands and arms. Grabbing flesh. Taking the smallest steps. Almost falling off balance, but then catching myself. (If you're going to dance where you cannot see, falling must be intentional)

My body's smooth dynamics may have reflected my fatigue. Not that a new phrase would start and stop evenly. Just with ease. Like writing in the sand.

***

I regret not auditioning for Annie's project. Then again, I'm not so certain I'm comfortable with my movement vocabulary just yet.

Halfway Through Summer

For the majority of my life my birthday has marked summer's conclusion. Now that I'm a big-girl who goes to college that isn't the case, especially since Ohio State's the university of choice. Classes start September 23rd I think-about two months away! I'm counting down the days til football games, falafel on High Street, technique class every morning, a gym to work out in (although the exercise ball has been pretty efficient), church-going, independence and most of all PHIL!

He came down a few days ago from Columbus and took me to out to lunch and the Newport Aquarium. I don't know why I love going there so much. Maybe it's the mass displays. Walking under hundreds of gallons of water is pretty awesome. Not to mention the company was great. (I'm talking about my boyfriend, not the dozens of fish I encountered) After our marine pseduo-adventure, we celebrated my nineteen years with my family at home.

It's great to be with somebody so caring and considerate. I never felt the least bit awkward spending time with my boyfriend and the rest of my family together that day. We're all kooks, really so there wasn't any reason we won't get along.

Right now I'm still working on getting my drivers license. I've been taking driver's ed. classes in hopes to relieve my driving anxiety. All of the information that I've received certainly has been helpful, but not so much the gory videos about drunk drivers. Nevertheless, in three more classes I begin behind the wheel lessons. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll be able to drive before I leave for school!

I'm very grateful that my parents support me the way they do; driving me to dance lessons still, feeding me, and allowing me to live under their roof. I'm also very grateful that I will regain my independence soon-living at home sure puts a damper on that!

-Courtney